Who's going on Celebrity Big Brother? Part One

I don't know, to be honest, but, if you can't wait until tonight, here's a run down of all the names I've seen linked:

The Girls

Lucy Pinder

A decent bet that she will be in. I don't read lads' mags anymore, yet I am still fairly certain that I have seen Lucy Pinder's breasts more than I have seen my own.

Lucy Pinder - I hope she'll find some clothes that fit her by tonight.

Given that she's already more successful than the likes of Chanelle Hayes and Chantelle Houghton, and that Celebrity Big Brother hasn't really boosted anyone's career in a major way (it's much more of a destroyer), I can't see a motivation beyond short term cash.

I'm fairly certain I've never heard Lucy Pinder speak.

Ulrika Jonsson

I'm having issues with Ulrika Jonsson in the last few days since I was reminded that, while she may have become celebrity comebucket extraordinaire, she was also part of Shooting Stars.

Apparently she's getting more in the way of bunce than anyone else, but that always happens and never makes any difference. We'll get to see if she has as good a sense of humour as she's supposed to, and whether Stan Collymore was particularly impatient or not.

Ulrika Jonsson - doing what she does best

Mutya Buena

The one who left Sugababes. No not the ginger one. Yeah her with the tattoos. Constantly rumoured to be a bully during her girlband career, Mutya has stalled a bit in the solo stakes despite actually having a decent track with Groove Armada. I reckon she will be in there and I reckon she might be fairly sound.

Mutya Buena - Check your wallet there's a right shifty character behind you.

Michelle Heaton

I'm not entirely sure if Liberty X have split up or not, but Michelle Heaton is clearly trying to strike out on her own.

A bit marooned as a celebrity since she unceremoniously binned Lisa Scott-Lee from Steps' brother, Andy. No stranger to reality TV, it having made her and all, I can actually add some good personal insight on Michelle Heaton. I once stood near her at a party, and she was: a) very clumsy and knocked a load of champagne glasses over, and b) appeared to be made of corned beef. I shit you not.

Michelle Heaton - clumsiness perhaps explained by corned beef composition

Paula Hamilton

Yeah, me neither. This chick apparently:



Oh right. That'll be nice. Who puts a personalised reg on a Volkswagen Golf?

Tina Malone

Mimi Maguire from Shameless. If there's a new series coming out, a good bit of cross promotion from Channel 4, if a little shameless. Sorry. Sorry about this picture too. Bloody Mika.

Tina Malone - "Big girls are...oh."

Sherrie Hewson

From Loose Women and every soap ever. She really gets on my tits and I bet she's a right neurotic oddball. Get her in there.

Sherrie Hewson - As if she ever looked like this. From a theatre programme. Probably

LaToya Jackson

Apparently one of the contestants has been pulled out because of worries over their sanity. We won't be seeing LaToya Jackson then.

When I was a lad we used to go drinking in a bar in Bolton called Bergeracs, where the beer was a quid but the lights made it look green. They used to have a tiny TV in the corner that showed LaToya Jackson porn. It was a sad day when they changed it to music videos.

LeToya Jackson - on her high horse. Boom Boom!

I'll sort the boys out in a minute.